Mam down... MAM DOWN!

I sat down last week and wrote a post about how important it is as a mam to just sit back and let yourself recover instead of putting on a brave face for everyone and convincing yourself that your okay when your really not.  I sat writing that in the middle of a third day migraine.

Day 1 I sat and rested infact I laid in bed in a dark room with aches and pains in very joint with my temperature literally going from one extreme to the other.  I have suffered migraines before when I was pregnant but this was on a whole other level.  Day 2 I woke up feeling no better, Lee came into the room and asked me how I was feeling and I stupidly said Oh I'm much better...  I wasn't I can't explain the pain I had in my head.  Even looking left and right hurt the back of my eyes.  It was rough.  I soldiered on that day and done the usual bits that we would of done the day previous like the shopping etc.  My mam came with us for a while too.  We even went and bought a bloody trampoline.  So by the time we got to Lidl to do the shopping I literally looked like the walking dead.  I was as white as a cloud and my eye hung to the floor.  I kept holding my head as support because it honestly felt like it was going to pop off at any moment.  I really should of stayed at home in bed resting but I didn't I soldiered on because that's what mommy's are supposed to do right?  We can't get sick!  We can't afford to be stuck in bed for 2 days right?  Well I was so wrong.  I went against ever fiber of my being telling me to stay in bed and recover and I went out anyway.

Day 4 came and I was still not better.  I did well up until this point not to worry passing the migraine off as dyhyration because yeno I'm a doctor aswell as a mammy! Lees mam had actually called up and she was asking how I was.  I lied again and said I was fine but still had a bit of a headache.  Why was I still lying?  Why do I still have a migraine?  What the hell is wrong with me?  Is there something wrong with my brain?  Do I have a tumer?  Am I going to die?
That escalated quickly right?  Well I can't explain how quick I went from fine to panic attack.  Lees mam had just left to get some migraine tablets for me and the next second I was hysterically crying into Lee's arms.  My anxiety had rampaged causing me to have a panic attack.  Lee brought me outside to get some air as I was struggling to breathe.  I walked laps of my garden with my hand above my head trying to calm my breathing and my thoughts but my anxiety kept creeping in the split second I felt any calmness.
Your mind can be so cruel.  My mind was at war with itself.  One side was trying to tell myself  that I'm okay and that I'm over reacting, its just a headache and the other filling my head with doubts and negative thoughts.

That night I didn't sleep a wink.  My migraine began to get worse and with that so did my anxiety.  I was too scared to go asleep I thought I wouldn't wake up.  I thought I was never going to see my kids again.  My biggest fear in life is not getting to see them grow up and live out their life.  Don't get me wrong I know we all have to go at some point but I thought it was my time and I was terrified.  Anything that threatens the bare thought of me not getting to see them grow up absolutely terrifies me to the core.  I tossed and turned as I tried to shake off what felt like a whale sitting on my chest.  There was times where I froze in place because it hurt to much to even turn my head.
Heine sight is 20/20 and looking back on it now the reason why my head got worse was probably due to the fact I was worrying so much but at that moment it was something entirely different.

At around half 4 I woke Lee I couldn't stand my own thoughts any longer and needed someone to talk too.  Of course Lee woke up but had no idea I spent the last 6 hours over thinking everything that has happened or may happen ever in my life.
At this point my head is now the worst it's been in 3 days.  I was approaching day 5 at this point and I knew something had to of been up.  I don't have a migraine this severe for no reason.  I was in pure panic mode.  Lee managed to calm me down somewhat and I rang the care doc. It was now 5 in the morning and I was becoming delirious from no sleep.  The nurse on the phone told me I could go down but there wasn't much point because the fact I've had the migraine for 5 days now meant that I would have to be seen by my own GP.  She advised me to apply a damp cloth over my head and try and get some sleep.  If my anxiety was still accruing to come down to her straight away.   By some bloody miracle I actually managed to get some sleep until about half 7.  It was then I woke in very much the same amount of pain and I just looked at Lee and said I need to go to the hospital.   You know deep down in your gut when you get that feeling when you just know?  Well I had that again and this time I wasn't going to ignore it.

We were lucky enough to get a babysitter for the kids and we headed straight out.  I didn't look out the window once on our way.  I held that cloth to my eyeballs as the brightness of the sun was too intense.  When we pulled up outside A and E I couldn't get out of the car.  I felt like my insides were going to fall out (because of my anxiety).  At this point my body was completely weak.  I could barely hold my head up or even remove the cloth from my eyes as I was just to sensitive to the light.
I was lucky that I wasn't waiting long and before I knew it I was laying in a bed in A and E.  I was quickly given some pain meds which made me go a little loopy.  I burst out into tears shouting I just want the pain to stop.  Trust me I am a strong person even at home when I was at my worst I never screamed or yelled so whatever they gave me hit me with a bang.  Moments later I calmed down and after about a half hour I could feel the meds kicking in.  I was finally getting some relief.

I was shortly moved up onto the day ward.  I was told I wasn't being admitted as of yet but if I needed too I would be staying here.  I was sent for a chest xray and that was followed by a CT scan.  Once I had told the doctors I had the injection as a form of pregnany protection I was scheduled for one immediately.  The injection can cause a small bleed on the brain or  bacteria to build up and become infected in the fluid of your spine which can affect your brain so they had to rule out both of these first before the could diagnose me.
When the doctor came in and explained all of this my body just went numb.  I felt my heart hit the floor come right back up through me and hit the roof.  Just as my anxiety was drifting off.  It washed over me like a wave of viscous negativity.  My legs and arms were shaking!
I had about a 2/3 hour wait until my ct scan so Lee popped off to get the laptop so we could watch something to pass the time.  I shook the whole time he was gone. I rang him twice and tried to distract myself from the horrible thoughts I was having.  I'm never going to see my baby's again.  I'm never going to get home to them. I thought the worst AGAIN!

The scan came and went and I found myself laying back in the bed with cold beads of sweat running down my face.  I couldn't relax.  I couldn't settle my mind, it was really awful.  I turned on my side and drifted in and out of consciousness.  Unable to fully relax and sleep as a horrible thought would prick me right from the bottom of my feet leaving me unable to be fully calm.
I heard the doctors approach the curtain and I propped myself up.  Theres no pain?  I moved my head for the first time in 5 days with no pain!  He told me my X-Ray and CT came back perfect.  He then told me that he found a viral infection in my bloods that they don't usually treat viral infections so I can be on my way home with a prescription for some heavy meds!

And that was it?  That was all that was wrong a viral infection?  I had been worrying and having panic attacks for two days over a viral infection?
As I said Heine sight really is 20/20.  Looking back on it now I should of just stayed in bed and rested for the first couple of days and it may of very well have gone by itself.  However I stupidly thought I was superwomen and tried to function even when my body was out of order.

My advice to any mams out there is this,  if your are sick allow yourself to be sick.  If you need to stay in bed for those 2/3 days to make yourself better then do!  You are no good to anyone when you are at 10% barely prodding along.  I mean the lights were on but nobody was at home.
Sometimes its okay not to okay.  Us mams get sick too.  We need to take care of ourselves first and
foremost before we can take care of anyone else and its as simple as that.

I have certainly learned my lesson and I'm hoping that you hear my message through this post.

As for my anxiety I deal with that on a daily basis.  I have my good and my bad days.   Anyone who suffers with anxiety will tell you that you could be fine for weeks then boom an anxiety attack out of no where for no apparent reason.
If you do deal with anxiety then please go an talk to someone.  I am lucky to have such a supportive person in Lee and a very supportive family that I always have someone to talk too.  Try talking to your best friend / parent / teacher or even your doctor.  Just talk to someone.  Sometimes all you need is someone to bring you back to reality.


Until next time,

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