I have no idea how to start off this post nor have I any idea what I'm going to write. I have just found myself sitting in front of this keyboard trying to get a release. My beautiful broken brain is something I have been in battle with since I was diagnosed with anxiety almost 8 years ago. But as far back as I can remember I have shown signs of anxiety. When I was just 5 or 6 I used to keep all my favourite toys in a bag under the stairs incase their was a fire!
For me there are more good times then bad so why does the bad outweigh the good? Whys does my mind choose to hold onto the bad and create a sandstorm of emotion that erupts throughout my body making it impossible for me to brake free in the moment.
I am very open about having anxiety its not something that I'm ashamed of nor is it something that defines me as a person. Anxiety is a mental illness that goes unseen to the naked eye. Just because you don't see a physical pain doesn't mean pain does not exist.
For the most part I am a positive, free spirited and pretty open person. I choose to see the good in the bad and I believe with bad there is always good. Over the past two weeks I have been stuck in the limbo of my emotions. I am not happy but I am not sad. I feel everything or nothing at all and sometimes I just don't know which is worse. I have become my biggest critic. Sometimes being so unrealistic with my critique that's its impossible to reach my own expectations of myself. I would never expect anyone to be perfect not my children, partner or sister so why do I have this expectation for myself?
As each day passed this week I felt a cloud cast over me and with every worry, stress and unnecessary expectation I did not meet I stored it in my cloud. It grew bigger and darker until yesterday it could hold no more and it burst. An unforecasted emotional storm struck me. Bolts of lightening struck my toes and rushed through me, piercing my arms, chest and head. My breathing was heavy and I found myself holding on, praying the storm would pass. This unforecasted storm rocked me but it has not broke me.
I am lucky that I have such an amazing support in Lee that whenever I find myself battling my storm he is there to see me through. Its so important that you find yourself that support too. This does not mean you are weak it means you are strong enough to ask for help. Controlling your mind can sometimes be an impossible task but you can control your attitude and how you choose to look at life.
You have to learn to take a step back when things are starting to become to much. Its important to know when to stop and know that you are doing your best, with that its equally as important to commend yourself when things are going well. Don't be afraid to give yourself a pat on the back when things are going right! Too often we don't recognise all the good we do in life and only choose to see the bad.
One of my strongest attributes I retain as a person is my ability to overthink the worst possible outcome of every situation that comes my way. Since having kids this has multiplied. I didn't say this was one of my best attributes but it certainly is one of the strongest! So for me this is one of my biggest daily hurdles. At any given moment, for me, can become a full blown panic attack. If my mind is not put at ease in an instant.
However I am trying every day to take baby steps with my anxiety. If you push yourself to much it can become overwhelming so starting small is the key. I now listen to music or sleep mediation before bed to help my mind from racing at night and keeping me up until all hours. Since having kids my social life has become almost nonexistent because if I'm not with the kids I'm either worrying or feeling mom guilt for not being with them. I've started to brake out of my hermit shell and have found that spending time with friends or family whether its going for a walk or to the cinema has actually really helped because it gives my mind a new focus and something new to enjoy.
I am not perfect as a matter of fact I'm perfectly flawed. I am okay with that, I am human and I want to enjoy all that life has in store for me so I will continue to learn and grow and hope in time that I will become more weather resistant to the storms.
Until next time,